Otto the cat with a rose
A popular piece of manosphere/self-improvement/game advice goes something like this: “Do you want to know the secret to happiness, success and lots of sex? I will tell you! It’s so simple… be selfish. Be selfish, think of only yourself and your needs and you’ll get what you want.”
Upon long reflection I think that this is probably some of the worst advice I’ve ever heard.
What is the root of this “advice” I wonder? I think it’s not hard to find. Being selfish means focusing on yourself. You are your own frame of reference, the center of your universe and your wants and desires are all that matter. Does this remind you of a certain time in your life? Yeah, I think this is how most of us where around the age of 2.
So to recap. Act more like a child, consider the needs of your family, friends, girlfriend and anything to do with God, spirituality and certainly strangers as secondary at best.
I spent the past several years being quite selfish. I never stopped being a “nice guy” and pleasant to be around, most of the time, but I didn’t go out of my way to help people.
I’ll admit that it’s true that if you are selfish, you get more of what you focus your attention on (money, sex, time), but what do you lose? You lose a part of your humanity, you become less empathetic, less altruistic, less patient and more emotionally cold.
I don’t claim to have the secret to happiness and contentment, but I contend that being selfless will gain you much more in the long-run than selfishness.
Selflessness means being concerned more with the needs of others than your own.
It doesn’t mean that allow your time to be wasted and abused by the selfishness of others or that you forego your goals in life, but does involve re-thinking your sense of self-importance and realizing that the best gifts you’ve ever received pale in comparison to what you can give to others.
What can you give to others? Your options are basically unlimited, anything you posess you can give, money, time, objects, emotions and love and affection probably being the most valuable.
I’m by no means an authority on selflessness, but I’m trying to reorient my life towards other people instead of “looking out for #1” like I have been.
Internet marketers talk about “providing value” in terms of products, services and content. I think selflessness is similar, but you aren’t anticipating a reward in the end.
One of the most significant acts of selflessness that I’ve pondered a lot recently, though have yet to experience, is starting a family.
Selflessness walks hand in hand with sacrifice and living for a wife and children involves a lot of it. It means sacrificing most of your free time, channeling your money and resources to their benefit and making that family unit the focus of your life. Your career, though hopefully rewarding, is the means with which your support your family.
I’m not on the verge of getting married or having kids, but for the first time in my life I’ve entertained it as a serious possibility in near future. The independent life has its benefits, but we all pass through phases of our life and what once pleased us can now fail to satisfy. Though we inevitably get used to everything that was once new, its worth considering whether seeking more comfort, pleasure and posessions (or even challenges and adventure if they are self-focused) can satisfy you in the long run of life.
I think I’ve learned and experienced enough in life to recognize the limits of earthly pursuits and the pleasure to be gained from creatures and created things. I try to appreciate the beauty I see in the world everyday, but I’m more interested in sharing it with others than keeping it for myself.
The problem with selfishness is that there’s no upper limit to human desire. Once we’ve gained some temporal pleasure we become accustomed to it, expect it and become angry when it fails to meet our expectations. We move on to a new object of our desire and idolize it as the next answer to our state in life. The search continues.
When you aspire to selflessness you begin to humbly recognize the transient nature of all things. You learn to appreciate the time spent over a cup of coffee with your mom on a summer morning, you stop resenting the vagrant asking for change, you smile at the funny things that kids do.
Think of your self less, even if its just a little bit. The world is a lot more interesting when we turn our gaze outwards and not just to admire the scenery, but to put our mark on it.
